I'm not doing very well psychologically,
so I'm creating this website so that if something happens,
everyone will know about my thoughts or my view of the world

read my notes below...

Now let's go to the beginning of the story...

Since my childhood I was a very complicated child, I had anger problems, I was very agitated, I ate poorly
and even at that time I already had a very high degree of mood disorder.
My mother was always very strict with me and my father always balanced this by letting me loose and being like a brother,
I have two brothers and they were very present in my childhood
until they moved away, had children, worked and I understand them, you know? I accept that.
My brothers were the best friends I've ever had in my life, they never left after I messed up,
they helped me, talked to me and really tried to understand me.
I'm grateful to them for being part of my life and to their wives, who are also practically sisters to me.

I lived a lot with my brothers and they took me practically everywhere they went, so whether I liked it or not,
I spent most of my childhood with adults, apart from school.
At school I always caused problems, I was literally the devil , but I was always "popular" because of the sports in which I always stood out.
I didn't have any problems with my grades until the 6th grade, where I repeated,
but as an agitated child with anger problems, I simply wouldn't let anyone teach,
and this meant I spent a lot of time at the principal's office and I ended up going to the guardianship council several times.
This was all hell for my mother and my father took it easy, even saying it was a childish thing,
to a certain point I fought with everyone and never lost, until, due to the problems with my diet,
I started to become weaker than all the guys. I looked for a solution for this and I found it at the gym,
I loved doing it and I did it every day when I was like 12 years old, so I got stronger and with that I became even more aggressive.

A hellboy...

I always had nightmares, and with them came problems with sleeping, my mother got tired of letting me sleep with them
so they put me to sleep, turned off the light in the room and locked me out with the key.
I had nightmares, I woke up and they didn't stop...
So with that I developed one of the only fears I have, which is not the dark, but what can happen in the dark.
At a certain point I stopped having nightmares while I slept and started having waking nightmares,
I literally saw, heard and felt things that are not normal for a fucking child.
When I told my father and mother they didn't believe anything I said at all, they thought I was just joking, you know,
but after much insistence my mother, who is a spiritualist, came to the conclusion that I was a medium.

I had never had a problem with obsessions and my mother made me study a lot about religion,
so that somehow I would be protected and know how to deal with it.
On a day when I was very angry at school because of something the teacher had said to me, that day the voices didn't stop for 1 minute
I remember feeling a headache, an unwanted presence, and then when I came back to consciousness
The whole room was looking at me scared, my finger was really hurt and it was all because
I was trying to break my sharpener to get the blade and do something...
After that I changed schools and the new school didn't have the sports that made me so popular, and I wasn't the same person anymore.

They drove me insane and little by little I learned to live with them, I don't understand if I was chosen for this or what the hell is happening to me,
I don't know if I'm schizophrenic or if they want me to believe I am.
Honestly, I don't think it has 100% to do with spiritual religion, in some parts it does,
but over time insanity took over me and everything was and still is bloody and violent as hell, maybe it's because that's how I feel Sometimes,
when I explode and get really angry, is this what I become?
I don't believe this is the work of the "god" that everyone believes in, in fact I think it's much more likely to be the devil's work,
I often see hell, and the real world isn't far from that with all this cruelty, that scares me...
My fear of them went away over time, whether I wanted to or not I would eventually have to get used to it,
it was very difficult for a child to get used to it, I only really managed to feel safe while seeing all this around the age of 14,
which is today ( in 2023) I'm 17 and the visions started at 11, that is, 3 years without sleeping properly,
living in fear crying out of nowhere and the worst of all is that I couldn't control the obsessions
so from 11 to 14 I lived in hell with them doing whatever they wanted with me.

At fourteen I started going out more, however, to places where people of that age shouldn't be,
on Saturdays and Fridays in the early hours of the morning I was never at home, I left on the last bus on the street or in an Uber
when it was very late and spent the whole morning at downtown doing really shit, we went to abandoned places like forests, train tracks or places like that
and did what we liked which was for some to use drugs, for others to drink and for others to simply have sex.
It wasn't just that, my friends had a band and at all their shows I was there on stage, we went to a lot of rock shows or played pool in a bar,
we went to raves and that's when I lost track.
I never used anything other than marijuana and alcohol until on my birthday I kicked the bucket and had a candy,
all my friends went together, we wanted to know what the trend was and we were in it together,
it was cool and I really enjoyed it. I literally melted, but that wasn't what I wanted, you know,
I wanted peace since I was naturally not at peace at all, so marijuana helped me with that
and the candy left me feeling accelerated, which is the opposite of what I wanted.
With that I simply disappeared from all of their lives and stayed more at home or going out for healthy places with people at school,
today I see how many absurd things happened in that environment and I didn't care,
they are all sunk in cocaine at the age of about eighteen.

Maybe everyone is crazy...

I'm simply lost in myself,
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and honestly I don't even want to know,
the only thing I know is that this isn't normal
and it's probably very difficult to believe this whole story. Maybe I'm bordering on madness or maybe I'm crazy.
I'm just done with all this, you know?
pills to make me be another sick person in this world, who always does the same things every day and is satisfied with that,
IS SATISFIED WITH LITERALLY BEING A ROBOT,
in my view, people are like that because that is the most easy to be accepted by everyone,
it doesn't enter my head that they feel comfortable with this fucking monotonous life.

I don't know who the real crazy person in the story is,
if it's me for wanting to deviate from this or if it's these people for simply going every day in search of a life that isn't quite what they want,
and most of the time even the At the end of their lives they spend it like this,
doing things that people want you to do or simply what society EXPECTS you to do or what is politically correct.
I feel like I won't reach old age but I'm sure that if I do I will simply
be very happy and proud to have done everything I wanted to do in my life or at least to have pursued it,
and enjoyed every moment as if it were unique, because that's what I think, life is unique and every moment of it in a certain way It's also,
not just the bad ones but also the good ones, it's not difficult to learn from life,
and if you don't feel like you're learning, maybe you have to change your point of view.

The world we live in nowadays is very fast-paced and most of the time you don't even have time to think about the next step, like,
how many times do you just stop and say now I'm going to do this because that's what I want to do and I will succeed and stay focused.
People are not satisfied with doing one thing at a time, you know,
they want to do everything at the same time and they never enjoy the process because they are focused on simply finishing it and most of the time
this ends with something being done in the worst way possible.
I'm not talking about having a date and time in mind for everything you're going to do because at some point it won't work out,
or you'll be exhausted and that will really disappoint you, and I understand,
because you were really putting your expectations into it , but it's about you getting up and saying,
oh today I want to do this, so go do what you want and enjoy your time doing it.

In the midst of everything we experience in the big city, all this rush and all these people doing things anyway,
it's not easy for you to stop and reflect a little because it will seem like it's slowing you down,
more like if you really do this you won't It will take time to recover this time, because simply when these people stop because they are too tired,
you will still be there because you stopped and thought and came to the conclusion that you can save some of your energy
and separate things to be done one at a time , and that way you won't be a person who is always tired
of doing new things and looking at things with different eyes.

The nature and my peace...

Today at the age I am I found peace in nature, everything is so calm, it seems like you are in another world,
I was lucky enough that my mother loves hiking and traveling, this I think is the only thing that brings us together ,
she understands that this is my moment of peace and simply leaves the controlling mother character
that she is and becomes someone who is there by my side to enjoy the experiences with me, even though she is very fearful and I am completely the opposite,
the Sometimes this causes a certain intrigue because she cares about me a lot and I'm simply a somewhat clueless person,
I recognize this and respect a certain limit, taking into account that she has heard suicidal phrases coming from me a few times,
I understand why she feels cares so much about my life. My father is not very athletic so he doesn't accompany us much on walks,
sometimes he tries but it's complicated, my brothers are adventurers at the same level as me,
that's when they aren't with their children, I go cycling with my older brother and it's Very good,
we talk a lot about our lives and other topics in general.

I am a very athletic person in general,
at the same time as I am strong I am very agile and I like that, that and my tattoos increase my self-esteem a lot,
I want to be in shape to go on these walks that are so good for me and I plan to do so in the future climbing and things like that,
so I have to keep my arm strong too. I've always been very encouraged to do sports and I've always done well with them,
I've done literally everything you can think of, the ones that have been or are most part of my life are weight training,
skateboarding, football, walking, cycling and that's it.

Nowadays I recognize that I wouldn't live without nature or at least not the way I currently live, whenever I'm there I feel lighter,
I'm so calm and alone,
I love feeling nature, really feeling the cold waters of the waterfalls , the swaying of the leaves of the trees, the stars shining brighter,
it makes me more me, it makes me see things the way I see them. Sometimes a simple picnic changes my whole week,
whenever my head is a mess and I feel like it's time,
I disconnect from this crazy and hectic world and connect to all the peace that exists in nature,
and for a moment the Bad things go away because the aggressiveness present in me also goes away,
today I am much calmer than I was, but it is still present in me, even though I control it well and everything is happening in the same way.